There is no ‘but’ in forgiveness
It’s dinnertime. My young children are old enough now that I can actually sit down for most of a meal. This is good. This is fun.
Our table time is comparable to a dinner party. Given the number of kids I have, there are often two conversations happening at the same time. This is also good. And fun.
Okay. Full disclosure. This is loud. Good loud, but yes, loud. And good. And fun.
I missed how this particular conversation began, but everyone of us has been in a situation like I am describing. We’ve all experienced a two-second lull where only one voice is heard in the room.
This happened with us. We are chattering away when all of a sudden this is the sentence everyone heard from my seven-year-old. “There is no ‘but’ in forgiveness.”
I did a full stop.
“What? Where did you hear this?”
“Yeah, dad,” our resident, well-voiced, on-hand psychologist announced. “You can’t ask for forgiveness and include a ‘but’ in what you’re saying.”
Out of the mouth of babes.
My five-year-old who was in conversation with my seven-year-old missed this wisdom at first. She continued as if she didn’t hear the question I asked. “I said I was sorry, but you just kept sitting in the chair ignoring me.” A half second pause followed. “So, it’s your fault, too.”
Aha.
Isn’t this easy to see when someone else does it?
This forgiveness piece is a big deal, and often it is not done well.
I remember speaking with someone who had been active in my congregation years ago. She said, “I can forgive, but I can’t forget.”
This is not forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting the whole dastardly deed go. Forgiveness is completely forgetting the wrong that occurred.
Forgiveness takes trust and humility. For Christians, the trust comes from knowing our loving God will work through uncomfortable (and perhaps even painful) conversations for the good. The good. As in the universal good, not just one person’s good.
Humility comes from the one Christians follow, and that’s Jesus.
My five-year-old speaks to a great universality. “Yeah,” this thinking goes. “I was wrong. But you were wrong, too.”
The most successful relationships I know embrace trust and humility. And conversation. The conversation isn’t just between the couple or the twosome. The conversation also happens with God before the forgiveness is sought.
When you speak with God, and this gets easier when you speak with God often, you realize with full conviction your fault in the situation, your wrongdoing. Okay, yes, it does take two to tango, but the Christian, anchored in love and a responsibility in that love, comes forward. Specifically, they come forward with the truth.
Sometimes it takes more than one conversation with God to get to the place where you have to come around to seeking full-on forgiveness. Maybe this takes twenty minutes. Maybe this takes two days. Maybe this takes even more time, unfortunately.
But dear Lord, yes, get to the place of asking for forgiveness.
And yes, use the word forgiveness.
For those of us who receive someone asking for forgiveness, oh, yes, give it to them.
And use the words, “I forgive you.”
This may seem rudimentary—or perhaps even childish—to some, but this is key to longstanding, healthy, peaceful, and sustaining relationships.
With asking for and even extending forgiveness, I return to that time we need with God, which is essential. Christians are to love our enemies. That’s a tough one! Tougher still is that we are to love those who persecute us.
We can excuse away these commands. And here come three popular lies. One, well, I’m not Jesus. Two, I can only do so much. And then there’s this one. Three, they really did hurt me!
Christians know their place in this world, and this is where humility comes back into the conversation. We are sinful. We are not “good” all the time. And, we tend to seek and serve our own agendas, not God’s.
Own your mistakes outright. When you’re wrong, name it, claim it and fix it. Be upfront. Be clear. Be honest. You did something wrong. You can explain your reason for being wrong if this is helpful, but come clean. Do the eye-to-eye thing.
And trust God.
I say trust God because, as John puts it, God is love. 1 Corinthians 13 also serves as a guidepost and/or reminder for all of us. This text says love (which is God) is not boastful, arrogant or rude. Love does not seek its own way. Love does not rejoice is wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
_______
This celebration photo wasn’t taken the night we had the conversation about forgiveness. However, it’s close!
Leave a Reply